Life in Bible Times

I’m getting a slow start this morning, probably because of some medicine I took last night. It left me moving in slow motion, and so it was that I found myself at 9:00 AM channel surfing. I came across a movie called “The Bible” on AMC. Intrigued, I stopped surfing, curious to see how they planned on covering the entire Bible in a two hour movie.

I knew right away they were in trouble. It was 9:21 and they were only up to Genesis 7! Oh no! They’re never gonna make it! There was poor Noah, looking forlorning out the window. Just sitting. And staring. Then a raven flew to him, and without a word he tossed it out into the world. Mrs. Noah joined Noah, and sat. And looked. The raven came back, and I got my first lesson in life in Bible times. Noah spoke to the bird, just one, short sentence. In King James’ English. What was even more amazing than Noah being able to speak to a bird in a language that wouldn’t be invented for several thousand years is the fact that he is apparently unable to speak at all to his wife in that same language. Their only form of communications was apparently meaningful, sad stares.

I know I got that part right, because I watched until the dove brought back a tiny little sprig of leaves. Without a word, and without a change in his facial expression, Noah walked slowly to where his family was and handed them said sprig. They each one took their turn looking at, and without saying a word, passed it on to the next person. They each maintained their saddish, blankish stare. When the door of the ark finally opened, they walked, I kid you not, in slow motion. Apparently, back then the animals were smarter than the people, because as soon as the animals saw the open door they took off running through the door (without any squaks or roars by the way), down the 20 foot slope of Mount Ararat, and out across the massive plain on which said Mount apparently sits. As the people slowly made their way to the door. To stand. And look. At this point I realized the wisdome of God for letting me born in the time He did. I like to talk way too much to have existed in Bible times. Oh, yeah, I walk too fast, too…

As I continued to watch, I learned much more about Bible times. For instance, by the time of the Tower of Babel, people had become quite accomplished in speaking, and only the guy in charge was smart enough to speak actual King James’ English. They had also apparently become quite the accomplished make-up artists, with everyone sporting a full face of ornate enhancements, even though they had no skill whatsoever at dying fabric. Also, something I overlooked when reading my Bible (or maybe I just read the wrong version) is that the reason God destroyed the tower and confused the language of the people is because when they finished the tower, they climbed to the top of it and shot Him with an arrow. No, I’m not kidding! I actually watched them do it! For real!

By the time I discovered that in Abram’s and Sarai’s time people were back to speaking mostly through sad looks, I was losing interest. OK, so it was a little interesting that when Abram offered the row of split animals as sacrifice it caused a solar eclipse, but other than that, I’m afraid I can only take about so much of watching people walk slow. Besides, I need to go study my Bible now. I’ve apparently missed some stuff in there…



Filed under Random Ramblings

6 responses to “Life in Bible Times

  1. Wow.

    I would not have predicted something that would make me glad to watch info-mercials…

    Have you tried thumb-twiddling? It helps the time pass and simultaneously makes it really hard to use the remote.

  2. Wow. I had no idea about the arrow thing. Now the whole thing actually makes sense. Or… ummm…. well…

    In any case, I wouldn’t have done too well in Bible times either. I, too, like walking quickly and communicating through something more than sad stares.

    I’m so glad that God placed me where He did.

  3. What? Olive sprigs always make me feel melancholy and silent. Doesn’t it do that for you?

    Wow. To think I’ve known you all these years and never found out till now… *dramatic pause* *stares sadly out the window*

  4. *stares blankly at Amanda, staring out the window* *walks slowly toward the doorway* *turns to Amanda and says, “Canst thou not see my pain?”* *turns and walks slowly out the door, into the dark of night*

  5. I t0tally know where you are coming from!!

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