Clean Language Only, Please!

Let me start by saying I don’t swear. I never have; I don’t believe in it. In spite of that, or maybe because of that, I have to inform you, my dear readers, by way of helping keep your mouths righteous, of a truly vile, nasty word. It bothers me that it can be used on TV, even in programs for kids. I think this is mainly because the average American doesn’t even realize how raunchy this word actually is. So please forgive me for using this word one time, just so you can know what it is, and thereby avoid using it yourself. The word?

Wallpaper.

I must admit that I myself never really realized just how obscene and vile one word could be until this week. I have spent this entire week stripping w***p**** in my kitchen. I guess just the fact that you have to “strip” it should have been clue enough that it wasn’t a pure product. The fact that this particular w***p**** must be stripped using a specialized goopy product, a razor scraper, more goop, more scraping, followed by much use of paper towels to clean said goop, glue, and tiny shreds of w***p**** off the scraper every few minutes. And by the way, when I say “tiny shreds” it’s exactly what I mean. Amanda and Christine can testify to the accuracy of this. When they visited last month they spent quite a bit of time standing in the kitchen picking away at the wall while chatting. Why this particular version of w***p**** is impervious to the specialized goop is anyone’s guess.

With the ladies back in Kansas City, I’ve had to go it alone. It has been days of spray, wait, scrape, pick, wipe scraper; spray, wait, scrape, pick…. You get the idea. Of course, there is the other step that happens every now and then just to break up the monotony. That’s the step of “What’s that red streak on the wall, and why does my finger hurt?” This usually comes right after the step of wiping the goop off the razor scraper. The “pick” step is getting more difficult because it’s hard to pick with half my fingertips bandaged.

The only thing that keeps me going is knowing of the improvement all this will make. As of this evening, I have all the w***p**** off the walls except the part above the highest cabinets. (Brian is going to have to do that, because my arms aren’t long enough to reach.) That means that right now my walls are old, stained, ugly plaster. And you know what? It actually looks TONS better than it did with the w***p**** up, mainly because it was very dark w***p****, in a kitchen without any direct windows. It was like a cave in there!

Once we get this done, it will be time to spackle holes, scratches and dings in the walls, add a coat of primer, and finally a coat of actual paint. That when I decide I’m tired of I can get another gallon of paint and slop it on the walls, and in just a couple hours have a whole new look in the kitchen. A couple hours. Fresh look. As opposed to DAYS of goop, wait, scrape, pick… And that, my dear readers, is why w***p**** is an obscene word.

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5 Comments

Filed under Random Ramblings

5 responses to “Clean Language Only, Please!

  1. This is hilarious, primarily because it is so w***p****’g true!

  2. OK, now that I’ve spent a couple hours at the top of a step ladder with goopy fingers, maybe not so funny after all. *sigh*

  3. Oh, I don’t know… I think I’m laughing harder now… Is that wrong? 😉

  4. Obscene indeed. All that I can say right now, as a means of offering my condolences, is…

    Buckets of Spackle. Buckets of Spackle.

    (Did we ever explain that one to you?)

  5. Amanda told me one night. I like it a lot! It reminds me of a cake decorater I knew who said she never worried about making mistakes on a cake, because if she made a mistake, she just put a rose on it. That was 25-30 years ago, and I’ve been using that ever since. Now I have buckets of spackle to add to it. Maybe I can make roses out of spackle… Hmmm…

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